The Heilige Tuchas

Question

Prepare to shep nachas, fellow Lakewooders, because women in our hometown have reached a new, heretofore undreamed-of level of tznius and kedusha. Other women -- evil, ungodly women -- wear pritzus’dik workout clothing when they exercise in women’s-only fitness centers; Lakewood women are much too modest for that. When a heilige Lakewood woman schleps her flabby but heilige tuchas onto the stationary bike in her women’s-only fitness center, that tuchas is covered with more layers of clothing than a homeless man on the F train. Lakewood fitness centers have RULES, you see. Fitness to Go – a women’s-only facility, mind you – requires women to cover their hair while they exercise. I am not making this up. Women must wear “loose-fitting shirts” in this bastion of tznius/fitness center. And initially women were required to wear long skirts as they jumped and jogged, but when it became clear that this put women at risk of breaking a bone or, even worse, falling and dislodging their snood (God forbid, lo aleinu), this rule was changed. Now women are allowed wear pants -- if the pants cover their sweaty knees! Somewhere God is laughing out loud. If He’s not crying. Rabbi Abadi, please allow me to address self-respecting females in Lakewood as I make the following call to arms: Ladies, I want to get a group to go down to Fitness to Go one morning -- wearing what NORMAL women wear when they exercise. Let’s help those cellulite-ridden, holier-than-thou rebbetzins burn some serious calories ... as they run for the door. Rebbetzin Kut’yercrap